The thing about someone telling you that it’s all going to be ok is that it never is when they’re telling you that.
My brother is leaving for Afghanistan soon. He just made his last phone calls before they shut his phone off. I wasn’t this emotional the last time he left, but something is different this time. I don’t really know what. Maybe it’s that he’s leaving around the holidays when everything is supposed to be about family and celebrating. Maybe it’s that he’s supposed to be done with the army by now. Stop-loss should be illegal. I wish I could change things. Not just this army thing, but I wish I could get through to my brother. We stand a family divided. he and my mom – alcoholics, party hard. me and my dad – born again Christians who wish they could see they’re killing themselves. Doesn’t matter what we say. Doesn’t matter how hard we pray. But would it have made a difference if I would have been a better sister? He doesn’t listen to me anymore, but he used to. Every word out of my mouth. Watched every action. He’s too big to do that now. I wish I would have known. I hate who I was.
There’s something mind-numbing about the computer, the internet. I feel so much more calm sitting here. Like I don’t have to think about anything. Maybe I’ll clean this office. It’s messy. Being busy is nice for keeping myself distracted. I don’t want to go back to church after how I ran out of there like a fool when my brother called. I’d like to redo today. Of course, I did get the Christmas decorations up. That’s good. They make me happy.
