Like this:

sorry. i really am.

i tried really hard at one point in my life to be an optimist. eventually i gave in. some days are better than others.

this isn’t one of them. i promise, my life doesn’t suck as much as you might think it does after you’re done reading this. if you make it to the end.

Where is my life right now? Where is it going? I am feeling so restless. I am so ready for a change. Is my life what it’s supposed to be? Isn’t this the type of crap that I’m supposed to have all ironed out after high school and college? cause i’m not happy where i am. I miss performing. I need a stage. I need music. I need lines. I need time to do these things. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode because I want these things so bad. Then other times I feel numb inside because I haven’t done them in so long and I feel so disconnected.

I’m terrified to audition for anything anymore. I was never that great of a performer, truth be told. I suppose I am a decent teacher and that’s probably where I should be. Which is where I am. But I feel like I’m not completely human. There are so many things I love to do, like gardening, cooking, painting, reading. But none of those things really makes me feel connected to myself like when I’m performing.

i’m also feeling very nostalgic right now. I hated high school. i couldn’t wait to be done. but what i wouldn’t give to sit down with some of my teachers that i had and pick their brains. do i think too highly of them now? were they pushing me because they saw potential in me or was it just because i was inconveniencing them? being on the other side of the desk, i see that there are teachers who push students because they want their students to realize their full potential. and i see that there are teachers who yell at students because they don’t fit the mold. because they’re a pain. because they get in the way of having a cushy job where they can be lazy themselves and just collect a paycheck. teachers like that make me sick.

so i’m at a loss right now. i feel like i don’t know where to go from here. i’ll be 27 in 2.5 weeks. This is not where I thought I was going to be at 27. I suppose a lot of people think things like that, but I never thought I’d be one of them. I’m used to being an over-achiever, ahead of the game, at the front of the line. Do I need to take a different path? Change my career? Give some things up? Forget things? Let myself go numb? Burn the candle at both ends? In two days this won’t matter because I won’t have time to think about it anyway. At least not for another month and a half.

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