and here is why:

it’s definitely the celebration of our most glorious Saviour’s birthday!

I like all the pretty lights

all my decorations make my house feel more comfy and home-y

Rudolph, Frosty, Peanuts, The Miser Brothers, Mr. Grinch, Buddy the Elf, The Muppets, Lanny, Ralphie Parker, Clarence, and all the others I left out on accident

i LOVE baking. Christmas morning, I am in charge of the coooookies

it’s about the only time of year I can turn on the radio and hear choral music on a station other than 91.3, and songs about Jesus on stations other than the “Christian” ones

I admit that I’m not a fan of shopping in general, but all the stores look happier at Christmas time

Red is one of my favorite colors

Christmas feels…. Innocent, pure.

Ribbons and bows

Snuggling

Hot chocolate with candy canes

Snow is still pretty

Kissing under mistletoe

I think I’m gonna have to add more later. It doesn’t seem quite complete, but I have this spontaneous urge to go play piano, then watch the Grinch while baking cooookies!

The thing about someone telling you that it’s all going to be ok is that it never is when they’re telling you that.

My brother is leaving for Afghanistan soon. He just made his last phone calls before they shut his phone off. I wasn’t this emotional the last time he left, but something is different this time. I don’t really know what. Maybe it’s that he’s leaving around the holidays when everything is supposed to be about family and celebrating. Maybe it’s that he’s supposed to be done with the army by now. Stop-loss should be illegal. I wish I could change things. Not just this army thing, but I wish I could get through to my brother. We stand a family divided. he and my mom – alcoholics, party hard. me and my dad – born again Christians who wish they could see they’re killing themselves. Doesn’t matter what we say. Doesn’t matter how hard we pray. But would it have made a difference if I would have been a better sister? He doesn’t listen to me anymore, but he used to. Every word out of my mouth. Watched every action. He’s too big to do that now. I wish I would have known. I hate who I was.

There’s something mind-numbing about the computer, the internet. I feel so much more calm sitting here. Like I don’t have to think about anything. Maybe I’ll clean this office. It’s messy. Being busy is nice for keeping myself distracted. I don’t want to go back to church after how I ran out of there like a fool when my brother called. I’d like to redo today. Of course, I did get the Christmas decorations up. That’s good. They make me happy.

I’m watching Jeopardy. Lucky for me it’s the teen tournament. I feel SO smart. Which is good. I needed a pick-me-up.

Had the veteran’s day assembly today. Did a combined piece with all choirs, all bands, and the orchestra. It went really well. The smoothest assembly for me yet. Students were well behaved for the most part. So, one performance down, two more within the next week. Next week Tuesday is our Fall concert, and next week Wednesday is our Holiday Moments taping at WTVG. I’m excited. Things are finally starting to come together musically.

Today I met the ex-music teacher at the elementary school. Can anyone say awkward??? What are you supposed to say in a situation like that? “sorry I took your job” doesn’t seem quite polite. I mean I do feel bad for the position she is in due to the economy, but I’m also grateful that I have a job.

Ooo… CMA awards…

sorry. i really am.

i tried really hard at one point in my life to be an optimist. eventually i gave in. some days are better than others.

this isn’t one of them. i promise, my life doesn’t suck as much as you might think it does after you’re done reading this. if you make it to the end.

Where is my life right now? Where is it going? I am feeling so restless. I am so ready for a change. Is my life what it’s supposed to be? Isn’t this the type of crap that I’m supposed to have all ironed out after high school and college? cause i’m not happy where i am. I miss performing. I need a stage. I need music. I need lines. I need time to do these things. Sometimes I feel like I am going to explode because I want these things so bad. Then other times I feel numb inside because I haven’t done them in so long and I feel so disconnected.

I’m terrified to audition for anything anymore. I was never that great of a performer, truth be told. I suppose I am a decent teacher and that’s probably where I should be. Which is where I am. But I feel like I’m not completely human. There are so many things I love to do, like gardening, cooking, painting, reading. But none of those things really makes me feel connected to myself like when I’m performing.

i’m also feeling very nostalgic right now. I hated high school. i couldn’t wait to be done. but what i wouldn’t give to sit down with some of my teachers that i had and pick their brains. do i think too highly of them now? were they pushing me because they saw potential in me or was it just because i was inconveniencing them? being on the other side of the desk, i see that there are teachers who push students because they want their students to realize their full potential. and i see that there are teachers who yell at students because they don’t fit the mold. because they’re a pain. because they get in the way of having a cushy job where they can be lazy themselves and just collect a paycheck. teachers like that make me sick.

so i’m at a loss right now. i feel like i don’t know where to go from here. i’ll be 27 in 2.5 weeks. This is not where I thought I was going to be at 27. I suppose a lot of people think things like that, but I never thought I’d be one of them. I’m used to being an over-achiever, ahead of the game, at the front of the line. Do I need to take a different path? Change my career? Give some things up? Forget things? Let myself go numb? Burn the candle at both ends? In two days this won’t matter because I won’t have time to think about it anyway. At least not for another month and a half.